Tom Brady Can Take Jokes About Gisele but Not Robert Kraft at ...
Tom Brady may be the GOAT of football, but can he take a joke? The world found out on Sunday night, when the seven-time Super Bowl champion sat for The Greatest Roast of All Time: Tom Brady, which streamed on Netflix. Held at the Kia Forum in Los Angeles as a part of the Netflix Is a Joke Fest, the special featured Brady getting roasted by host Kevin Hart and a number of notable personalities, including Kim Kardashian, Ben Affleck, Peyton Manning, and even Will Ferrell in character as Anchorman’s Ron Burgundy. It also featured at least one joke that seemed to make the former Patriot piping hot.
That joke came courtesy of Roastmaster General Jeff Ross, who took a shot at Patriots owner Robert Kraft’s arrest for allegedly soliciting prostitution at a massage parlor in 2019. (The charges were later dropped.) Ross said that after Brady was drafted by the Patriots, he told Kraft, “I’m the best decision your organization has ever made.” Ross joked that Brady then added, “Would you like a massage?” While the crowd laughed, a tense Brady got up from his seat, went up to Ross, and audibly whispered into his ear, “Don’t say that shit again.” Ross said, “Okay, okay” before pointing to Kraft and telling Brady, “He’s having fun. Look at him!”
Ross’s quip was fairly tame, especially compared to other jokes told over the course of the night. Brady’s ex-wife, supermodel Gisele Bündchen, found herself in the line of fire as Kevin Hart took aim at her divorce from Brady as well as her new relationship with jiujitsu coach Joaquim Valente. “Gisele gave you an ultimatum. She said you have to retire or we’re done. But when you got a chance to go eight and nine and all it will cost you is your wife and your kids, you gotta do what the fuck you gotta do,” said Hart. He went on to joke that Brady “fucked” his longtime Patriots coach, Bill Belichick, by leaving the New England Patriots for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. “You fucked him good. You did, Tom, you fucked your coach. But let me tell you something, people…that’s what you’ve got to do to maintain your happiness. You sometimes got to fuck your coach. You know who else fucked their coach? Gisele. She fucked that karate man.”
Hart didn’t stop there. “I mean, Jesus Christ, Tom. One of the smartest quarterbacks ever played a game. How did you not see this coming? Eight fucking karate classes a day. Eight karate classes a day, and she’s still a white belt. Fuck, Tom. The only bruises she had were on her ass. Everybody should have known it.” Comedian Nikki Glaser also took shots at Brady for his divorce. “You have seven rings. Well, eight, now that Gisele gave hers back,” she quipped. She also riffed about Bündchen’s new love interest, joking to Brady that it must be difficult knowing that “your ex-wife’s new boyfriend can beat your ass while eating hers.” Vanity Fair has reached out to Bündchen for comment.
Kim Kardashian received audible boos as she approached the lectern. But when she finally did get a chance to speak, she didn’t hold back. The reality TV star and mogul made jokes about her rumored flings with Brady, comparing him to Caitlyn Jenner. “I do know it would never work out. An ex-athlete, high cheek bones, silky hair—you remind me too much of my stepdad now,” said Kardashian. “Part of me thinks you would want to undress me just to try on my clothes. I know the transition from the NFL must have been really hard, but I think my stepdad is a great example for you. She’s one of the greatest athletes in the world, who’s proved you can do anything in this next chapter. You can become a commentator, a far-right Republican, or even a strong, confident woman.” Not bad for a girl with no talent.
When Brady finally got a chance to roast his roasters, he had a joke ready for Kardashian about her ex-husband, Kanye West. “I know Kim was terrified to be here tonight…not because of this, but because her kids are at home with their dad,” quipped Brady. As for his own ex-wife, Brady made one sly reference to his marital status. “There have been a lot of jokes tonight, but I miss the love of my life…football,” he said.
The Greatest Roast of All Time: Tom Brady is now streaming on Netflix.
