Happy Father's Day to the men who weren't ready to be dads

Father’s Day festivities at my Brooklyn home are wholesome and joyful — a privilege, considering how difficult the day can be for so many. This year, my 9-year-old and my 5-year-old will present their father with handmade cards and a framed gift, slightly cracked in one corner. I’ll give my husband a well-earned bottle of whiskey and a sincere thank-you for being the equal parenting partner and dad our boys deserve, and the type of father I never had.

I’ll also take a moment to think about a different man who, like me, knew he wasn’t ready to be a parent. Not yet. A man who, 14 years ago, held my hand through a seven-minute surgical abortion that gave us both the chance to go our separate ways and be the parents we are today.

Like the 1 in 4 U.S. women who will have an abortion in their lifetime, men benefit hugely from access to abortion care.

Like the 1 in 4 U.S. women who will have an abortion in their lifetime, men benefit hugely from access to abortion care. While data detailing how abortion affects men is scarce at best, one 2019 study published in the Journal of Adolescent Health found that when men 20 or younger were involved in a pregnancy and their partner had an abortion, they were four times more likely to graduate from college. Another study suggests an estimated 1 in 5 men have been involved in an abortion, though researchers note that the number is likely higher due to prevailing abortion stigma that can deter men from speaking about their experiences.

In 2022, after the Supreme Court’s draft opinion overturning Roe v. Wade was leaked, I spoke to a few men who were willing to publicly share how they have benefited from abortion access.

“I wouldn’t be a father without abortion,” one father, Andrew, told me. “Before we met, both my wife and I had experiences with abortion. … If we had not been able to terminate an unwanted pregnancy, we wouldn’t be happily married with a 5-year-old. It would have taken both of our lives in completely different directions.”

Another dad, Simon, said that while he and his wife knew they wanted kids when they first met, the first time his wife got pregnant they both knew it wasn’t the right time. “It wasn’t easy for us to make the decision to have an abortion, but the fact is that we had a choice in the matter,” he added. “Not carrying that first pregnancy to term was the right choice for us, and it allowed us to grow into people who were eventually ready to be parents.”

And then there was Garin, a dad who shared that around 30 weeks gestation his wife was told the pregnancy wasn’t viable. In order to obtain an abortion, the couple traveled from their then-home in New York — where abortions are not permitted after 24 weeks gestation — to Boulder, Colorado.

In a post-Roe world, we have also heard from men who have been harmed by abortion bans — men like Josh Zurawski, whose wife, Amanda, slipped into a coma and nearly died after she was denied abortion care after her 18-week pregnancy was found to be nonviable and life-threatening.

As Jennifer Reich, a professor of sociology at the University of Colorado, told The New York Times in 2022: “Everybody benefits when individuals can control their own reproduction, but the benefit can be invisible for cis men, since they don’t absorb the risks of pregnancy and it’s not written on their bodies.”

And so, on the second Father’s Day without the constitutional right to abortion care, I hope we think about the men who stayed by their spouse’s side as they have endured medically necessary, lifesaving abortions, as well as the men who — like their pregnant partners — have been forced to navigate cruel anti-abortion laws that only compound the trauma and heartache.

Let’s think about the dads who know what it’s like to fret over every pregnancy pain felt by their partner; who can feel powerless if a complication occurs; who have, along with their partners, made it through sleepless nights, terrifying pediatrician visits and emotional school drop-offs.

Let’s recognize the fathers who knew expanding their family was not tenable, and who supported the responsible decision to maintain focus on the children they already have. (Half of the participants in a recent survey of men involved in their partner’s abortion said abortion allowed them to better provide for the children they already had.)

And I urge us all to acknowledge — in whatever way is most appropriate — the men who knew that delaying parenthood was in fact a form of family planning, and perhaps the first responsible “dad-like” decision they ever made.

Danielle Campoamor

Danielle Campoamor is a freelance journalist who has been published in Teen Vogue, Harper's Bazaar, CNN Opinion, Playboy, Newsweek, BuzzFeed and Marie Claire, among others.