Becoming a Steelers fan to impress my girlfriend's dad

My girlfriend is one of the most incredible people I have ever met, our relationship is fabulous, and I could not be happier. We’ve been together for about eleven months and I can’t wait to see her during Thanksgiving break. However, during this break, I will also be seeing her father. He’s a terrific guy, so nice, so kind, so funny. Yet, for whatever reason, I can barely hold a conversation with him — the last time we talked, we delved into the “fascinating” world of their family’s vacuum cleaner (and he did most of the talking). I froze up, I got nervous, etc. That is why this Thanksgiving break I shall be prepared. I may, in fact, be able to communicate with him using the universal language of masculinity: sports. My girlfriend’s dad is a massive Steelers fan, and although I’ve never cared about football, this is as good a time to start as any.

Now, a lesser boyfriend may start out with YouTube or Wikipedia to do research on the Steelers, but I am not a lesser boyfriend. Instead, I have sought out expert council: first-year Dramaturg and die-hard Steelers fan Kenny Pelphrey. Under his tutelage, I have become a true citizen of the Steelers Nation, the secrets of which I shall reveal to you now.

HOW TO BE A STEELERS FAN (based on my interview with Kenny)

Attend games and interact with the community

This feels pretty self-explanatory. According to Kenny, being at the games makes you feel like, “a community,” and “there aren’t any away games because Steelers fans are everywhere!” He went on to mention how after a touchdown he hugged a Steelers fan he didn’t know — perhaps there is some sort of polyamory element to the Steelers fandom? I may be reading too much into this.

Hate the Ravens

I don’t know what a Steelers fan has against blackbirds, but apparently this is a core tenant of being a part of Steeler Nation. Kenny has described them as “trash birds.”

Buy the terrible towel

When asked about merch, Kenny mentioned the Terrible Towel. It appears to be just a towel? But like a bad one. I’m really confused. According to him, “whenever you want you wave it [the towel] up in the air,” and this seems to indicate some sort of team spirit.

Research Steelers’ history, including the “Steel Curtain”

Towards the end of the interview, I asked Kenny about any other things I should know before I talk to my girlfriend’s dad. Apparently I should, “get to know the steel curtain… some of the team’s history, because some of the older guys are really into that stuff.” Since the interview, I have read up on this subject, obtaining a lot of information from Brittanica’s article, “The Iron Curtain: European History.” Apparently, the Steelers used to be a metaphorical barrier in the 1980s that separated the USSR from the rest of the western world! The more you know.

THE PLAN

Now armed with this information, I have formulated a plot to emotionally connect with my girlfriend’s father. First, because Steelers fans are everywhere, I will begin to run up and hug random people on the streets of Pittsburgh in anticipation of my trip. Second, to win my girlfriend’s dad over, I shall present him with a blackbird I found dead on the ground in Schenley. Third, when I arrive at her house, I will be wearing only the terrible towel. When he opens the front door, I will throw the towel up with pride, waving it around in the air as I profess my love for my favorite player in Steelers history: Mikhail Gorbachev.