Celebrity Treasure Island final: James Mustapic takes out huge ...

James Mustapic, you've won the game and the nation's hearts. Photo / TVNZ

OPINION

It’s finals day, baby, and you know what that means: a whole bunch of “How the hell did I get here?”

Because you’re an absolutely bloody legend, James Mustapic, that’s how.

Deciding they need to take things more seriously than three friends hanging out on a school camp, Courtney Dawson and Turia Schmidt-Peke agree it’s a good idea to have a colour theme for their final treasure hunt outfit, ut Mustapic has other plans.

“I would like to have quite an iconic look for the final so people can dress up as me for Halloween,” he tells the confession cam, and I rest my case. Bloody legend.

But while their moods are better than a kid who just got a Chupa Chups lollipop at the supermarket counter, Dawson warns that won’t last for long. “I think once it starts, we’re all going to get pretty serious.”

After heading off to meet our hosts Jayden Daniels and Bree Tomasel, our trio are told the treasure, unlike in other years, is not buried in a chest but hidden in a safe - and to get to it, they need to complete a few challenges first.

They’re also reminded that those handy - yet risque - playing cards can stop another player in their tracks for a total of five minutes, and it’s good news for Schmidt-Peke, who has four of them, while Dawson and Mustapic each have three.

The first of today’s challenges begins in the water, with the castaways starting on a pontoon and pushing a buoy through a series of obstacles. They must then follow a series of tangled ropes up the hill until they find their puzzle pieces.

How do they feel about it? Hesitantly motivated, according to Mustapic, who tells the confession cam, “I’m cold, I’m shivering, my nippies are hard, but that means it’s time to go.”

It’s easy to see why. The water looks like hell if it were Antarctic, but there is a silver lining in the fact that former contestant Art Green and his ice baths are no doubt watching on proudly. Hi, Art!

It’s a quick challenge that sees Mustapic overtake Dawson and Schmidt-Peke and race up the hill in his iconic pink pants, but he soon learns that just like peaking in high school, peaking too soon in the race isn’t something to brag about, and the girls are close behind.

Arriving at the next challenge, Tomasel explains the castaways must fire sandbags into their coloured hoops. Once there are four sandbags in their hoop, they need to grab their puzzle pieces and run off to the next challenge.

You’re feeling unfit, I’m feeling unfit, and the popcorn on my lap is most definitely judging how much running is involved in these challenges, but thankfully, there is one supporter - my Apple Watch, who just told me my heart rate is popping off. Must be the suspense.

Fire after fire, Schmidt-Peke and Mustapic accidentally land their sandbags in Dawson’s net, and it’s here when Mustapic decides to use his playing card to slow her down. If looks could kill, our loveable comedian would be six feet under.

It gives her all the motivation she needs, and as soon as her time out is over, Dawson lands her fourth sandbag in the hoop. Running off to the next challenge, she leaves her castaways with a thoughtful gift. Something that really came from the heart. Something that makes Mustapic act like the barking dog man from that iconic interview in 2010.

As for Schmidt-Peke, she realises should have pulled a card on her pal, but unless Dawson’s weekend activities include trekking up Rangitoto Island, this is still anyone’s game.

Both cannons go off, putting Schmidt-Peke and Mustapic back in the game, and Mustapic barks, “Turia, use the card on Courtney!” It’s a genius idea and Schmidt-Peke obliges, stopping Dawson in her tracks before also deciding to stop Mustapic.

Siri, play We’re Not Gonna Take It, because this comedian is simply NOT going to take it, and during time out, he takes off his pants, swaps them for shorts and kicks a post. Meanwhile, Dawson’s made it to the next challenge, but Schmidt-Peke uses another card on her before she can start anything, and so does Mustapic.

“You sneaky buggers,” she tells the confession cam.

All three castaways arrive at the next challenge and sigh, realising it’s puzzle time. “Nothing is lining up, nothing is working,” Mustapic tells the confession cam. “I don’t know who created this puzzle, but I’ll hunt you down, mate - and I’ll start a new charity dedicated to taking you down.”

Finally, he cracks the code and host Daniels hands him a note telling him he must head NNE (north-north-east) to find the hidden safe - but there is a twist.

A twist, you say? Wild, Treasure Island has never had one of those. Today’s comes in the form of three safes. “If you touch a safe, you have three minutes to unlock it. If you do not succeed, you must step back and let your opponent try. You may move on to another safe if you choose.”

With that, he’s off - but surprise, surprise, his fellow castaways put a 10-minute delay on him and then use Mustapic’s puzzle to build their own. “I’m feeling annoyed, I should have just rearranged everything,” he tells the confession cam. “Far out, this is a nightmare.”

After running back down the hill to scramble his puzzle, he makes it to the safe and picks the one sitting pretty by itself before realising that to open it, he needs a code that’s hidden on his puzzle.

It’s run, run, run, puff, puff, puff the house down - oh, sorry. This isn’t the Three Little Pigs, this is the final treasure hunt, and Dawson is right behind Mustapic.

Unfortunately, the finalists can’t unlock the rotary lock on the safe because they’re literally just millennials who’ve never used one, and just when we’d all but given up, Mustapic has a lightbulb moment: Never Eat Soggy Weet-Bix.

By the magic of unforgettable slogans you learnt as a kid, he unlocks the safe, becoming the winner and earning $100,000 for Gender Minorities Aotearoa.

“I don’t know what to say, I feel just overwhelmed. Every step of this competition has been like a ‘pinch me’ moment where I’ve been like, ‘Surely my luck’s going to run out and I’m going to be eliminated’, but here I am, baby,” he tells the confession cam.

And because we love Mustapic for his sass, wit and iconic one-liners, here’s one more. “I know I’ve seemed stressed a lot, but just know, I was loving every second of it”.

Until next season, Treasure Island, sayonara.

Lillie Rohan is an Auckland-based reporter covering lifestyle and entertainment stories who joined the Herald in 2020. She specialises in all things relationships and dating, great Taylor Swift ticket wars and TV shows you simply cannot miss out on.